First of all... I am so sorry for the total blog neglect. Sry, this is raw and unedited so I do not lose my nerve to post.
That said.... friends and followers, I am still alive. There have been so many things, both good and really bad going on in my life that I had fallen into severe clinical depression during/after a full on emotional breakdown.
Me.... the strongest woman I have ever known in life having a mental breakdown..ME! I now have the diagnosis of PTSD and severe clinical depression. Yep, I said it out loud and publicly. But I am now well on the road to recovery.
Been a long and hard road, but I am almost back.....Thank you for asking...lol!!!!!
You all know (most of you) of the nightmare severely abusive situation I moved from about 4 1/2 yrs ago, well, I was well into my depression after that and well on my way to a full on breakdown.
My grand babies were truly the only reason I opened my eyes and took a breath every day. They were the only thing that kept me here on this earth. Without them, I am afraid this post may never have happened. So I thank God daily for my grand babies! Thank you Michael and Shaylee for Loving Gramma no matter how sad she was!! I love you both so very much and know that you are the light of my life!
Now with almost a year of counseling and several different medication changes, I can say I am almost back to OK, well, prob never will be OK, but as close as I can get to it, I am actually crocheting almost regularly
Quick glance back to catch you up and make sure you are sitting down towards the end.....
04/2010 I fell and broke my left knee and tore the MCL, 12 weeks Physical therapy
04/2010 Mom had a horrific surgery with massive complications and due to those months of complications some tests were done that would NEVER have been done and in July, Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer! (we all still say thank God for the complication, or they would never had diagnosed it!!!)Not good. She had to get strong enough to begin chemotherapy and did GREAT through her chemo, lost her hair, some weight, but did GREAT! Has been in remission until 2 months ago,and her ca125 is through the roof again and has started her 2nd round of chemo, sleep most days, very weak, but doing pretty darn good with it. Not loosing hair yet or weight, but tired, tired, tired all the time.
06/2010 Daughter was hit by a hit and run (never found) driver and left for dead, has had 9 surgeries on her leg and finally just got SSI, she is going up to OHSU in Portland OR, the 24th to have another surgery to fix her Achilles tendon, *YUKKO< ya don't wanna know!!! but will post pics after) They thought until about a month ago that they were going to have to amputate above the knee, but this surgery and then the next 2 will hopefully save it. After the Achilles surgery heals they will take her back in and put a rod in leg from Hip to Foot. YUKKO again!!!! And will hopefull be able to walk after that, but there is no guarentees at all that any of these surgeries will work, so we still have that damn amputation dangling there!UGH!
8/2011 My grandmother passed after a stint in rehab after falling several times and could not be left alone, God rest her beautiful angelic soul!, The kids and I stayed at her home to keep it safe since the neighborhood a-holes could not be trusted to leave it alone, so we were there for a couple months, was nice!
Well, shortly after that I was gifted with her home from my mom (it was her mother) and the kids and I were ELATED that we had a home... FOREVER!!!!!!! Not an apartment with obnoxious, loud, rude ass neighbors ever again.... EVER!!!!!! Never had to worry about anything again! We were always gonna have a home, close to mom (next door) so I could take care of her through her chemo and stuff, I was THRILLED.... absolutely thrilled, jumping up and down, planning, organizing, elated, jumping with joy, decorating ideas, kids room, carport, yard, lawn and garden, are ya jumping up and down with joy for me now!!! I sure was! So very happy, almost forgot how depressed I was! Really, I almost did.
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL..... Packing, arranging u-Haul, moving helpers, getting all ready and 3 days before I was to move into the home my mother had given to me, my Mother in her infinite wisdom called me on the phone... Not even in person mind you, and tore my heart from my chest and pushed me over that breakdown cliff through the phone and told me that my nephew and his pregnant druggie (don't even start it 'family', pictures on her facebook prove it "family") girlfriend were moving into the house! Yep, you read it right, go ahead, go back and take it all in again, I do ...daily, I live it!
That's it, that's all I got, not even a week to figure out what to do! My perfect (HA-HA) sister's perfect son who has a great job, great credit, all the opportunities in their perfect little world to buy almost anything they wanted, was moving into the home I was just given 2 months prior!
Still have never found out what she gave mom $$$ wise for the house, but Mom and her hubby went to Vegas for a week right after that, so its pretty obvious money changed hands, but I am stupid (NOT) and should not have been able to figure that one out!!
But anyways............. Real long a crappy story later, I fought housing and lost because the unit was already rented since I had give my 60 day notice, there was nothing I could do and I tried to stupidly fight housing with no attorney, no knowledge, no nothing and in the middle of a nervous breakdown, tried to fight and lost and was evicted... THANKS MOM!!!!
And that gift just keeps on giving and giving and giving...
We have applied and applied and applied and applied for apts and duplexes and manufacture homes at least 200 times and have been denied that many times due to the recent eviction... wow, the gift that keeps on giving, thanks again mom..... worse depression, full on breakdown now...... We got to move in with mother! YEE HAW!! Cranky, control freak, never wrong and will convince you that you are wrong, her way or the highway, cranky mother.... yay... did I say full on mental breakdown yet.... Well, if I didn't, I am now...... had a full on breakdown, yepper, sure did.... 50+ yrs old with custody of my 2 grand-kids living with my cranky ass mother! YEE HAW!
Can you sense ANY bitterness there at all??? I try not to let it show too often anymore, because it is only allowing them to continue to hurt me and I am not allowing that anymore!
So the kids and I have been 'surviving' in 1 bedroom in my hoarding mother and step fathers home... Everything I own is and has been in storage since December 2010....YAY! You all know what that's costing
Just imagine it.... we went from 3 bedrooms, 2 upstairs and 1 downstairs, 2 bathrooms, living room, storage/play shed, gated private yard, into one little bedroom with 3 feet walk way between my double bed and the kids twin bunk beds, our tv, shelf to hold a few things and 1 closet. Yee Haw!
Why gosh, Yes, thanks Mom for letting us have a roof over our heads after you took 2 away! Never even an apology, just a sickeningly sweet "oh Micki, it will be OK, we will find something" ... We who, you got a mouse in your pocket with another home, you and my perfect sister gonna buy me another home???
Now for the good:
7/2011: I finally got Michael on medications, they went really old school with him and I thank God daily that I finally made that choice. It was a very long and difficult one, but my big boy is literally night and day! I thought it would be a few weeks like it was with my medications to get started, so we were prepared for a few more weeks of total anxiety filled days, which was fine because I had already been doing to for a couple years anyways, but wowzer... we gave him his first dose and about a half hour or so later I stopped dead in my tracks and got mom's attention because he was SITTING DOWN, DOING NOTHING..... Michael was sitting down! It was amazing! He was sitting, still, not doing anything! WOW, night and day in 20 minutes! Thank You God and Dr Phellps!!! My honey could focus, and look at something for more than 2 seconds! If you have never been around a child with SEVERE ADHD, you have no idea what I am talking about. It is unreal, they do not stop, at all, ever! Now he stops a lot!!! Love his little face even more! And Miss Shaylee is just growing like a weed, hair almost touches her butt now! So long and still has the cutest curls up about 4 inches if her ends!
12/2011: Michael got his SSI! YAY, trying to save a little money to maybe buy a dump trailer somewhere. The kids had a WONDERFUL Christmas for sure. And I did nothing with my 'family'. Probably never will again. and it was a wonderful Christmas.
I have actually finished a few Crochet and knit items lately including 2 afghans for the kids Well, 1 and a 1/2) and 2 sweaters for Shaylee. Have not until the last couple months had any interest in crocheting or knitting, so very glad to be back up and running there.
3/2012: Mom's cancer back full force, chemo again. Sux
So there you have it now folks... that is why the dead silence here. I am going to try to start posting at least a couple times a week on crocheting, life, letting go, forgiving, not forgetting, just forgiving and will take any comments and help here.
You are great at that ladies and gents, so lets have it.... any and all suggestions, books, movies, media of any kind on forgiveness without forgetting.
And remember, all my posts are moderated, so no rudeness or no one will ever see it!
So to all my very good online friends, you now know why I have been so quiet and withdrawn over the last year plus. I am truly sorry for not letting more of you in on my grief, probably would have been easier if I could have been able to talk about it with more of you. And those of you who listened to me, I am forever grateful to you, Thanks for being there and so glad to be almost back on track!
Will post a few pics later on today or tomorrow as well! Thanks for still being here!