September 04, 2010
On Life .....
I know in the big picture of things I am doing a wonderful and loving thing, raising my grandchildren. I love their little faces to pieces and cannot imagine my life without them and then there are days that I really don't know if I can stand even another second of it. Am I horrible for thinking this? I know (and have been told) that I need to give myself a lot more credit for what I am doing, because it really is a good thing that I am doing.
With my big boy finally having a 'diagnosis' of severe hyperactivity and severe attention deficit, I am at one moment thrilled THEY have finally recognized it and have given it a label, but then that label carries a lot of things.... not all good.
I do not know if I want him on meds, but then the days he is having a really bad day, I would give anything to have him on meds.... what do you do? On his bad days he is very hyper, very aggressive, very loud, very mean, very uncooperative, very everything bad .... Are all the drugs they want to put them on bad?
Am I wrong for wanting him to be better?
We are waiting for them to get back to us with his full assessment and we have the appt at OHSU in a couple months for further genetic testing, and also have the EcCares program assessing him on Thursday for school placement. Things will get better, they really will.
And now the counselor, school and Dr are all pushing for me to get full legal custody and become their foster parent so we can at least have access to a lot more resources for help with the kids as well as more money that we deserve for sure. On one hand that would be great, but on the other hand, I do not want to hurt my daughter in any way, I know she is in no position to take the kids any time soon, she is going through enough right now. I am so torn. My daughter has always been the most important thing in my life and now I have her kids..... what do I do people?
All of this is because I was looking at a friends pics of her burned crafting room being put back together, (thankfully all were OK, she lost some sports memorabilia plus a very old doll from her childhood) and I am so envious of her yarn collection... in a very good way, I had much more yarn than she does and she has a lot, but I had to sell almost all of mine to help with the moving costs to get to where we are now.
It hardly ever bugs me, but seeing her room made me remember what I had, what we had to do to get here, how far I have come to recover from the abusive situation I was in, to where we are now ... all of us in a much, much, MUCH better place and I have my babies... so life is really rather great in the big pic of things, it sure could be a lot worse, I could still be where I was, the kids could have been taken by the state almost 2 yrs ago... so life really is good.
I am just having a pity party for myself at the moment.
After all... I am entitled once in a while... right??? After all... it has been a bad year starting with me breaking my knee, tearing my mcl and physical therapy April 19, Mom having serious serious surgery April 25, Micheal's ambulance ride May 30, Amber getting hit by a car and critically injured June 22, Mom being diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer July 7, going through chemo and Gramma passing August 26... Yep, been a bad year so far! So yes... I am entitled!
But life is basically good for us right now considering it all.